Moon of Alabama Brecht quote
April 24, 2021

Investigation Launched Into Premature Release Of Turtle Through Windscreen Story

An investigation was launched into the premature release of this year's 'turtle through windscreen' story. The report was, as usual, scheduled to run during May.

Woman gashed in the head after turtle crashes through windshield - April 22 2021


Turtle crashes through Georgia driver’s windshield along Savannah freeway - May 26, 2020


Turtle crashes through South Carolina driver's windshield on the highway - May 3, 2019


Turtle Crashes Through Woman's Windshield on Florida Interstate - May 13, 2016


Interestingly - collisions with turtles have their own medical injury code (W59.22XA: Struck by Turtle).

There is a long tradition of such stories.:

The more famous but equally unverifiable turtle impact happened in 456 B.C., when the Greek playwright Aeschylus (author of The Persians, Seven Against Thebes, and Euripides Is a Big Fat Idiot) is said to have been killed by a turtle. The story is that the turtle was dropped on him by an eagle, which presumably was hoping to crack the turtle's shell open on a rock but mistakenly hit the playwright's bald head.

Nevertheless the premature release of this year's version is inexcusable and should be punished.

Posted by b on April 24, 2021 at 8:51 UTC | Permalink


No one should be punished. This year’s turtle crashing through a windshield story was released earlier than usual due to climate change. A complex sequence of events involving Earth’s atmosphere and oceans—even its magnetosphere!—forced reporter’s hand to select the pre-written file and click “Post.”

Posted by: S | Apr 24 2021 9:15 utc | 1

Well what more proof do you need of the pending invasion of the reptilians ? I vote to start by increasing the military budget.

Posted by: Tuyzentfloot | Apr 24 2021 9:22 utc | 2

It looks like the same car in 2021 as 2016. The hole in the windscreen is the same.

Posted by: Johny Conspiranoid | Apr 24 2021 9:31 utc | 3

It is the fault of Putin -
He has destroyed the entire Ukraine narrative which was planned for at least two years of scaremongering.
So in its stead, we have flying turtles.

Posted by: jared | Apr 24 2021 9:52 utc | 4

Did they take paw prints?
Looks like the same turtle each time to me.

Posted by: librul | Apr 24 2021 10:01 utc | 5

The world of fake news is not without foundation. It's turtles all the way down.

Posted by: William Gruff | Apr 24 2021 10:02 utc | 6

Another Raytheon hypersonic missile fail.

Posted by: uncle tungsten | Apr 24 2021 10:05 utc | 7

When I was a little kid and lived on a 20 miles-long lake, we were scared to death of Snapping Turtles. I saw one the looked to be three feet across! They have necks that can stretch out at least a foot. They can weigh over 150 lbs. They can bite fingers off. They say that once they bite, they never let go!

Posted by: blues | Apr 24 2021 10:13 utc | 8

@Posted by: blues | Apr 24 2021 10:13 utc | 8

"They say that once they bite, they never let go!"

Not true.

You simply have to wait.
Make a cup of tea or something.

Posted by: librul | Apr 24 2021 10:29 utc | 9

The Useful Idiots podcast has an item called 'The Four Foodgroups' referring to how news is assembled like a menu by deliberately including something funny, something horrible, something cute, something which enrages you, something which confirms your political leanings. So others can offer the service to provide you these news items. It hardly matters that they're true, they are just there to push the right buttons. The readers don't care much either. I wonder how many views of cute kittens there are every day and how many cute 'owww' sounds are heard around the planet.

Posted by: Tuyzentfloot | Apr 24 2021 10:38 utc | 10

@Johny Conspiranoid:

It looks like the same car in 2021 as 2016. The hole in the windscreen is the same.

That’s because the Turtles made it the same. That’s how precise their kamikaze artillery is. They chose the same car just to mess with our minds, to leave us wondering: could it be that our “reporters” are just pulling stuff out of their asses? It’s a Turtle psy-op to sow doubt and confusion and cause divisions in our society before the invasion.

To understand Turtles’ hatred for humans and the extreme danger they pose to us, you need to know their history. The World Turtle once carried flat Earth on its back; humans made Earth round and banished Turtles to another realm. Angry at the collapse of the world order they underpinned (literally), Turtles have been hatching plans for revenge ever since. They’ve infiltrated our critical infrastructure with their sophisticated malware (written in Logo, of course). They’ve been brainwashing our young with their false heroes since 1984. (A coincidence? I think not. Clearly, they have studied our culture and are openly bragging about their designs for our species using references we can understand.) The conspiracy runs deep—in fact, in runs all the way down. Turtles are extremely dangerous and may strike at any time, so we must deal with them!

Posted by: S | Apr 24 2021 11:15 utc | 11

On subject of projectiles (Maram) -

Posted by: jared | Apr 24 2021 11:36 utc | 12

Petrov and Boshirov did it!

It's always Petrov and Boshirov.

Posted by: Biswapriya Purkayast | Apr 24 2021 11:59 utc | 13

Tuyzentfloot wrote:

"…something funny, something horrible, something cute, something which enrages you, something which confirms your political leanings."

Yeah but do they have to insist on including all of them in the same story like this? :P

In order: flying turtles, assumed death of or significant harm to turtle, turtles, "journalists", everything. :D

Anyway nice to see that 'Florida man' has some female competition :)

S: you probably already know that one can Turtle in Python these days (turtle in python sounds …digestive). And thanks for the video with the nice Finglish accent :)

Posted by: Sunny Runny Burger | Apr 24 2021 12:01 utc | 14

The turtle stories all come from reputable mainstream news organizations.

Doubt is being spread by a Putin-loving conspiracy website.

Posted by: Oldhippie | Apr 24 2021 12:11 utc | 15

Did I spot a Terry Pratchett reader?

Posted by: Kartoschka | Apr 24 2021 12:22 utc | 16

--- Timeout for a serious post ---

I was researching turtles and found that nothing
not even turtles
are out of bounds for politics.

This is a real thing:

"Moscow Mitch
is a
Russian Turtle"

You can buy T-shirts a plenty:


Glad they never started throwing turtles at Mitch.
(cause I care about turtles)

Posted by: librul | Apr 24 2021 12:44 utc | 17

Is the New York Post mainstream media? Personally I would have said yes, but the last I looked the paper wasn't properly Trump-deranged?

I have had two windshields replaced after a lump of coal fallen and bounced up by a coal truck smashed a hole. A turtle kicked up by a large truck seems to me be not so very unlikely.

Dog bites man isn't news, but [ostrich or other exotic] bites man may serve?

Posted by: steven t johnson | Apr 24 2021 12:55 utc | 18

Tuyzentfloot @ 10

2 + 2 = ... Pulling Gates's Common-Cored math on us, are ye? I count 5 somethings, not 4.

Posted by: polecat | Apr 24 2021 13:02 utc | 19

It is interesting that the establishment apologists know they cannot offer a full-throated defense of the imperial mass media in these fora as they would be dismissed out of hand by a crowd that knows better. Instead they just try to circuitously blunt the criticism.

"Flying turtles are a thing! Really! I saw it on TV!"

Posted by: William Gruff | Apr 24 2021 13:47 utc | 20

I got sidetracked by the comments:
Sadly "Euripides is a Big Fat Idiot" does not seem to be real? >:D

(Have I felt this "woosh" before? Deja vu of something missed!? Feel free to return any lost marbles)

Posted by: Sunny Runny Burger | Apr 24 2021 14:03 utc | 21

Hellish animal!

Posted by: Mina | Apr 24 2021 14:17 utc | 22

One can understand how small fish, frogs and fowl can be uplifted and swirled around by meteorological events, but a two/three pound turtle? Someone in the bushes might be having a good (if sick) laugh. BUT - a very interesting phenomena - not the turtles hurtling through windshields, but the stories about them. Good catch.

Posted by: gottlieb | Apr 24 2021 14:26 utc | 23

Btw I thought Mike Dash had written something specific about these kinds of news stories from a (serious) Fortean perspective but a fast superficial search didn't find anything. He's not the only one of his kind so it could have been someone else. Forteans once in a while manage to pick up interesting stuff, in the last year or so I've seen nice articles about Wave Glider USVs ((Boeing) Liquid Robotics Wikipedia entry) and GPS from Fortean Times.

Posted by: Sunny Runny Burger | Apr 24 2021 14:37 utc | 24

William Gruff@20 has the usual combination of paranoia, stupidity, shameless misrepresentation and malice. There are no establishment apologists in this forum, saying so is delusional. Rejecting out of hand the fairly common event of rocks being kicked up by trucks to smash windshield is stupid. Making up imaginary stupid dialogue to attribute to someone else is called lying in polite circles. It is impossible to imagine any motive other than malice for such nonsense.

The OP is incorrect in assuming that turtles could never smash a windshield. Unlike rocks which tend to be cleared by road workers or cops or Good Samaritans doing their bit for public safety, turtles will wander onto highways. The OP may have just overlooked the possibility, because confirmation bias about the posited universal conspiracy of mass media (however selectively defined,) to deliberately lie about everything. Perfect insincerity is apparently a thing in this "theory" of the media. Nor is commonly printing facts, even if only to confuse people, a thing. But there was nothing at all circuitous about pointing out the OP's error. Nor is it an apology for the mysteriously ill-defined MSM to point out the OP is simply wrong on this issue.

It is of course an indictment of the commentariat as a whole that William Gruff really can assume everyone here is a "Crowd that knows better," by which William Gruff means, is incapable of recognizing a correct argument.

Posted by: steven t johnson | Apr 24 2021 14:38 utc | 25

I see I have made an error. Annoyed by the William Gruff BS, I bothered to follow the first link. From the Post story: "Lark and Grant said a car ahead of them likely had struck the reptile, sending it in their direction." My mistake was thinking our host merely had a little lapse in judgment.

Posted by: steven t johnson | Apr 24 2021 14:59 utc | 26

Why did the turtle cross the Road?

Unlike the chicken, turtles aren't just trying to get to the other side, but actually have someplace to go. During the early summer, many female turtles cross roads bearing eggs, moving toward familiar nesting areas. Semi-aquatic turtles can have seasonal movements between different wetland habitats. Hatchlings in roadways can be looking for ponds and backwater to serve as their permanent home.


Posted by: Jackrabbit | Apr 24 2021 15:09 utc | 27

Does it need an investigation ? The proof that a malignant foreign power is involved is the recurrent nature of these attacks :

Posted by: Leuk | Apr 24 2021 15:12 utc | 28

How many sequels could you get for Turtlenado?

Posted by: Ghost Ship | Apr 24 2021 15:20 utc | 29

Breaking news. A statement from the DoD : "There were never any flying saucers. They were in fact flying turtles".

Posted by: Leuk | Apr 24 2021 15:41 utc | 30

Quite obviously we are in a Turtle time loop. The report from NYP has the same photo as the one from 2016. Either we are going forwards and there will be an endless series of turtle agressions each year, or we are going backwards AND then forwards. Without the latest version of a suitably adapted DeLorean, we will never know. (A Eco steam train could be used as an alternative, as seen in it's last version).

BUT as S said, Turtles carried a flat world on their backs. Logically this must be circular as anything else would fall off. Follow the science ; If you walk around the circumference in one direction - you will arrive back where you started from, AND, if you walk in the other direction, you will also end up at the same place. Amazing! Thus showing that wherever you were going it all comes back to the same thing, that time has gone by. This is real scientific proof as verified by models, charts and figures supplied by other real scientists, using models with figures that have been gender proofed.

False checkers; Some other scientists tried to walk straight ahead but these clearly deluded dissidents must never be heard from again. They must have fallen over the edge, anyway.

Posted by: Stonebird | Apr 24 2021 15:45 utc | 31

maybe they're happy together??

Posted by: james | Apr 24 2021 16:10 utc | 32

Turtle is dark skin or shell
Driver was white.
On top of Russia very likely parti pation in this tragic accident
The "weaponization" Of black turtle is à clear indicator of systemic racism
The local democrap Mayor has already granted 10 millions US$ of réparations
And kneeled down and cried with sincère tears

Posted by: Conspiratorix | Apr 24 2021 16:20 utc | 33

blues | Apr 24 2021 10:13 utc | 8

Snapping turtles inhabit or did inhabit this region. A particular breed of "sportsmen" caught these large reptiles, for that is what turtle soup (a true delicacy) is made from. You could always tell these hunters by looking at their fingers which were usually missing several digits off of several fingers. Here is how they traditionally and proudly hunted their prey: These turtles make dens along the banks of the many streams here with the entrance just below the water line; the hunters would watch and observe where the turtles disappeared into the bank and then would feel along the bank until they found the opening and then blindly reach in and attempt to pull the turtle out. Despite the rare delicacy of the soup I always considered these guys as involved in some sort of dipshit macho test of courage type thing.

The last snapping turtle I saw here was crossing a rural state highway following an upland stream upstream. Was very large, approx 2.5 feet diameter, and I stopped to protect/help him/her make it across. Was very surprised at his/her speed, agility, and aggressiveness. Didn't need my damned help.

Other local ecological news: an effort underway here for State protection of a remote valley that has a threatened population of "hellbenders," a very large (adults 12-15 inches)species of salamander (has many common vernacular names, such as "mudpupppy",) believed to be approx. 65m yrs old. This region was just beyond the furthest advance of the last glaciers in NA and has (had) a biological diversity that is completely missing just 90 minutes (time) north of here. The only hellbender I saw in the wild was while surveying a ridge above the crossroads called "Utopia" in Clermont County, Ohio (SW Ohio along the Ohio River.) Really was Utopia; we found, in a cornfield in the floodplain there, some volunteer cannabis.


S @11 - lol, thanks.


Stonebird @31 - or as Buckaroo Bonzi said: "Wherever you go, there you are."


We're up shit creek if these flying turtles and hellbenders form a coalition, so it's time now to get that big fucking turtle out of the Senate.

Posted by: vinnieoh | Apr 24 2021 16:25 utc | 34

@19 Polecat: I guess I was a bit elliptic. Taibbi/Halper's four foodgroups are "Isn't it horrible","Isn't it weird", "republicans suck" and "Democrats suck". I commented on the general ideas they were referring to.

Posted by: Tuyzentfloot | Apr 24 2021 16:35 utc | 35

I find it more interesting when cows fall from the sky. Do you have any of those?

Posted by: Mao Cheng Ji | Apr 24 2021 17:07 utc | 36

We have no evidence, but it has all the hallmarks of a Russian disinformation campaign.

Posted by: Prof | Apr 24 2021 17:12 utc | 37

Liked the Euripides bit...

Posted by: pnyx | Apr 24 2021 17:25 utc | 38

So this is an open thread right?

“Will you walk a little faster?” said a whiting to a snail.
“There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my tail.
See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!
They are waiting on the shingle — will you come and join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?

“You can really have no notion how delightful it will be,
When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!”
But the snail replied “Too far, too far!” and gave a look askance—
Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance.

“What matters it how far we go?” his scaly friend replied.
“There is another shore, you know, upon the other side.
The further off from England the nearer is to France—
Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?
Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?”

The Mock Turtle’s Song
by Lewis Carroll

And then there is the Walrus and the Carpenter, which I will leave to someone else.

Posted by: Bemildred | Apr 24 2021 17:42 utc | 39

Thanks @ james | Apr 24 2021 16:10 utc | 32

I disagree. Not so happy, stoned.

DEA reports of highly likely overdosed Turtles, flying hight and all the way down

Read report on CIApedia

Posted by: Bernard F. | Apr 24 2021 17:45 utc | 40

Evel Knturtle has failed once again in his effort to leap completely over an automobile, but..HE’S OK FOLKS!

Posted by: Dee Plorable | Apr 24 2021 17:50 utc | 41

Thankfully, the Chinese will know how to deal with the flying turtle invasion.

Posted by: v mark | Apr 24 2021 17:58 utc | 42

לשנה הבאה בירושלים *
Another WoMD: rogue errant Turtles

The incident, in fact, bears many of the hallmarks of a previous one, in July 2019, when another Syrian Turtle landed in Cyprus, near the capital, Nicosia. On that occasion, which you can read more about here, the missile was launched in response to large-scale Israel airstrikes on various targets in Syria. The Syrian Turtles in question apparently passed over Lebanon and across a stretch of the Mediterranean before coming down in Cyprus.

* L'Shana Haba'ah B'Yerushalayim
"Next year in Jerusalem"

Posted by: Bernard F. | Apr 24 2021 18:02 utc | 44

@Mao Cheng Ji
Of course there are flying cows. There is even a French book entitled « The Cow That Fell From the Sky and Other Miscellaneous Facts. »ée-autres-faits-divers/dp/2226207112

Posted by: Leuk | Apr 24 2021 18:06 utc | 45

It looks like the same car in 2021 as 2016. The hole in the windscreen is the same.

Posted by: Johny Conspiranoid | Apr 24 2021 9:31 utc | 3

I noticed that as well.

The hole also seems to be smaller than the turtle. Could the turtle have squished through or the glass have momentarily buckled? Neither would seem to be sufficiently flexible...

Posted by: farm ecologist | Apr 24 2021 18:28 utc | 46

Tuyzentfloot @ 35 - no worries .. I mean, EVERYTHING seems to suck, these days, right?

Mao Cheng Ji @ 38 - humm .. sirloins from the sky. Why ... I'd don a big catcher's mit for some of those, or better yet, a large bass net!

Posted by: polecat | Apr 24 2021 18:29 utc | 47

The hole also seems to be smaller than the turtle. Could the turtle have squished through or the glass have momentarily buckled? Neither would seem to be sufficiently flexible...

Posted by: farm ecologist | Apr 24 2021 18:28 utc | 46

This sounds like a job for the White Helmets. Improbable objects in questionable reposes.

A co-worker once had an osprey drop a pike on the windshield of her truck. The osprey had just caught lunch and was attempting to gain altitude to fly back to its nest, located on top of a disused tower at an emergency airstrip established during WW2 along the Alaska Highway. Catch and release? The fish was still alive, flopping around on the side of the highway. Not sure what happened to the fish after that. (Squanga Creek emergency airstrip near Teslin River Yukon)

Posted by: Tom | Apr 24 2021 19:09 utc | 48

@Leuk, 45
Yes, in France:

...but also in Washington state, albeit a smaller one:

Posted by: Mao Cheng Ji | Apr 24 2021 19:40 utc | 49

Re: Biswapriya Purkayast | Apr 24 2021 11:59 utc | 13

Are you referring to Boris Petrov and Natasha Boshirov?

I have video of them running away from a wrecked car on a rural Wyoming highway, leaving a Russian passport behind. Of course, and as you would expect, because of national security considerations the video may not be viewed by anyone, but the fact that I have it is all the proof that you need.

Posted by: AntiSpin | Apr 24 2021 20:23 utc | 50

farm ecologist @46

The hole appears to be smaller than the turtle....?

And the twenty-year anniversary of 911 is just around the corner..?

Just sayin, could it maybe have been a really large turtle that hit the Pentagon??

Posted by: v mark | Apr 24 2021 20:42 utc | 51

Strange how these turtles always hit the front passenger side of the windshield. In countries where drivers drive on the left and the steering wheel in cars is on the right-hand side of the vehicle, would flying turtle projectiles hit the front passenger side on the left-hand side of the vehicle?

Posted by: Jen | Apr 24 2021 22:16 utc | 52

These "reports" are, of course, of terrestial animals which are tortoises. Turtles are marine animals and are unlikely to hit a windshield unless it is in a boat or ship.

Posted by: Sean | Apr 25 2021 0:20 utc | 53

AntiSpin @50

CNN confirms the incident via an anonymous source.

Posted by: Donbass Lives Matter | Apr 25 2021 0:33 utc | 54

Donbass Lives Matter @54

Reuters reporters personally witnessed the incident but their cameras were out of film and their cell phone batteries were flat so they couldn't take pictures.

Posted by: William Gruff | Apr 25 2021 0:43 utc | 55

Posted by: Sean | Apr 25 2021 0:20 utc | 53

Over here eve body calls them turtles. I am familiar with painted turtles (as the specimens in the photo), snapping turtles and box turtles. Box turtles seem "terrestial", so perhaps deserves to be called a tortoise, but the other two spend most of their time in the water, and in the case of painted turtles, basking in the sun on logs -- an efficient way to gain energy. But they make some overland treks.

OTOH, the most suspicious part of the story with two instances is that in both cases the turtle was placed on the dashboard next to an open glove compartment. Does EVERYONE puts the injured turtle on the dashboard to bleed (bleeding was mentioned) and opens the glove compartment? Is it a natural reaction?

Posted by: Piotr Berman | Apr 25 2021 0:44 utc | 56

I find it hilarious b, that we're doing turtle spins all the way down the comments ladder! I mean ... isn't this what the Internet was made for - exquisitly superfluous stuff ?? Thank the Gods it wasn't kittens, or pony unicorns .... or the Kardashians!

Posted by: polecat | Apr 25 2021 1:11 utc | 57

Obligatory "tHiS iS dAnGeRoUs To OuR dEmOcRaCy"

Posted by: J W | Apr 25 2021 3:15 utc | 58

William Gruff @ 55:

Shaun Walker of The Guardian also happened to be travelling in the car behind the car carrying the elderly victim of the Flying Turtle Attack on that Savannah freeway. His dashcam wasn't turned on though.

Posted by: Jen | Apr 25 2021 3:34 utc | 59

Parakeets and dogs and cats are trainable. I have yet to train a turtle to do anything. The small green ones are fun pets, but they will not respond to human suggestions.

Posted by: blues | Apr 25 2021 4:09 utc | 60

Bugs Bunny is stunned by the speed required for that turtle to blow a windshield open. No match for him !!

Posted by: Kinetic turtle | Apr 25 2021 5:07 utc | 61

Is it insensitive here to make ninja turtles jokes?

I love Ninja Turtles.

Posted by: Smith | Apr 25 2021 6:53 utc | 62

Tom @48 gets there.
Turtles (and tortoises) being fleshy and notoriously slow-moving would be a bonanza for predators, but dangit, they're armoured! So several species of large avian predators have got it through their bird brains to drop these morsels from a great height onto a hard surface.
A freeway is a hard surface that is hard to miss, and has the additional benefit of featuring big, mobile metal objects that can crush the turtle/tortoise. Lunchtime!
It's a thing. The clustering of these amusing events in spring probably has a very prosaic explanation too.

Posted by: Benny | Apr 25 2021 7:34 utc | 63

Posted by: Smith | Apr 25 2021 6:53 utc | 62

"You fight well, in the old style. But now you face Da Shredder!"

I must have watched that movie 100 times. "Time for decaf April!"

Some good life lessons in that movie.

"Death comes for us all Oroku Saki, but for you, it comes without honor."

Posted by: Bemildred | Apr 25 2021 12:53 utc | 64

I nominate turtlemagaddon and turtlepocalypse as a new entries for the dictionary.

Posted by: Sakineh Bagoom | Apr 25 2021 13:20 utc | 65

I have to correct the idea that a giant turtle carried the flat earth on its back.. it carried four elephants on its back..and they carried the flat earth on their backs.. this is common knowledge

Posted by: Dutchy | Apr 25 2021 14:55 utc | 66

Hungary is one of the few EU countries that uses Sputnik V. It released its findings about the efficacy and safety of the vaccines. Here are the results:
"This data confirms the April 22 statement by Hungary’s PM chief of staff Gergely Gulyás: “Sinopharm is better than Pfizer while #SputnikV is the best.” Also, based on this data Pfizer has x5 higher death rate than AstraZeneca."

Posted by: Peter Schmidt | Apr 25 2021 21:29 utc | 67

A must watch from Jimmy Dore. Professor shuts down BBC's propaganda in real time:
Sorry, couldn't post proper link, but you can google.

Posted by: Peter Schmidt | Apr 25 2021 22:17 utc | 68

@William Gruff #6


Posted by: anon | Apr 26 2021 23:19 utc | 69

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