The Treasury fought hard to regain freedom for Wall Street. It won! Rejoice! Your government will now become the proud owner of lots of weird papers.
Freedom seldom comes for free, but as the president will soon explain in a special TV address, the Treasury’s fight for freedom of Wall Street will cost you only a zero. It may even gain you some real value.
During the next weeks, the president will announce, you will be asked to turn over all your cash to your local sheriff’s office. Don’t fear. You will get your money back immediately after a zero has been removed from each note greater than five dollars.
Homeland Security considers five dollar and one dollar notes to have the potential to finance terrorist activities. Each of these notes will therefore be replaced with two quarters or a dime respectively. You will gain some real, soon very precious, metal in exchange for a dangerous tools of terrorism.
Thanks to Wall Street and the financial industry the same process will be applied automatically to all your checking accounts, 401(k)s, money market funds and brokerage accounts. Unfortunately the Treasury is not able to remove any zero from taxes due. We apologize for that small inconvenience.
The president ordered the experienced 3rd Infantry’s 1st BCT to help local authorities in visiting each home to make sure that every American will have an equal opportunity to take part in this operation.
Equal opportunity and freedom. Isn’t that what the U.S. is about?