|
WB: A Different Kind of Cluelessness
Billmon:
But having been to Iraq, and gotten a first-hand view of reality, one would think Humphreys would be more than just one step ahead of Paul Wolfowitz by now. That fact that he isn’t is a bit of a disappointment. I thought the Marines were a little smarter than that.
Unless, of course, the whole column was strictly tongue in cheek, in which case I apologize to officer Humphreys and take it all back.
A Different Kind of Cluelessness
Bush Announces Increased Terror Measures
Chertoff to Head Expanded Security Department
Monday, September 4, 2006
LACKAWANNA – API
Standing at the back of a NJ Line train at The Broad Street Station,
President Bush, 9/11 Commissionar Tom Kean, and Kean’s son
Tom Jr., Republican US Senator for New Jersey up for re-election in
November, stumped in true Neo-Republican fashion for the Kean Jr.
re-election campaign, and for Kean Sr’s book, Without Precedent,
a 9/11 tell-all and slam against the incompetence of Pentagon and FAA
chiefs who had failed to prevent the tragedy, which recommends massive
increases in the Department of Homeland Security, with increased terror
measures granted to DHS Secretary Chertoff, and increased domestic
spying measures granted to NSA under DOD Secretary Rumsfeld.
As the two Kean’s stood beside him, teeth clenched in photogenic smiles,
President Bush announced the creation of a Department of Reproductive
and Cosmetic Security (DRCS) within the Department of Homeland Security.
“Abortion clinics and cosmetic surgery represent the greatest terrorist
threat to Americans today,” Bush extoled the small audience of hand-
screened supporters, who stood on the platform in an early drizzling rain
to the Great Decision Maker speak.
“Medical malpractice has become the 3rd leading cause of death in America.
Those 225,000 deaths every year due to medical malpractice are a stain upon
our Great Nation,” Bush railed. “Every year every one of the 1,435,000 abortions
in the United States results in the extinction of a human life. ”
The tiny crowd of supporters cheered and waved their American flags as
Bush gathered steam.
“Last year, Americans spent $12.5 billion on cosmetic procedures, a record.
The number of surgical and nonsurgical cosmetic procedures in America
increased by 44% to a total of nearly 11,900,000. This is an appalling sign of
the decline of our civilization, and the cause of nearly 10,000 deaths per year.”
Bush held up Kean’s tell-all novel as though it were a Bible.
“9/11 was a terrible tragedy. Some 3,000 patriotic Americans lost their lives.
We have created the greatest bureaucracy since Lyndon Johnson’s Great
Society to prevent another 9/11, and yet, here in America, still 4,500 people
die every day of reproductive or cosmetic surgery! This is an abomination
before God!” Bush’s face became apoplectic, and he seemed about to fall.
The two Kean’s stood beside him, their teeth clenched in photogenic smiles.
“Therefore, I am today announcing the creation of the new Department of
Reproductive and Cosmetic Security (DRCS) within the Department of Homeland
Security under Secretary Chertoff. Medical malpractice has terrorized Americans
long enough. No longer will Americans be allowed to risk their lives by flying to
Thailand for surgery, or driving to Canada for prescription medicine. These
unwholesome practices will become a thing of the past. No longer will abortion
clinics be allowed to practice their evil craft. These unholy practices will become
a thing of the past as well,” Bush’s face took on a messianic sheen.
“1,670,000 innocent victims every year cry out for our help. Beginning immediately,
I am proposing a Medical Safety and Medicaid Stabilization Act before Congress.
I am increasing the budget for DHS by $100 billion dollars in anticipation of the
immediate passage of this act, (here Kean Jr. visibly swooned) which will create
newly hired battalions of Medical Safety Agents, who will fan out across our Great
Nation, overtly and covertly, to bring an end to this madness.”
The assembled crowd of supporters stood open-mouthed. Bush began to shout.
“MSA agents will be stationed in front of every abortion clinic, in front of every
cosmetic clinics, at airports, train stations and bus stations, handing out free
literature explaining the risk to patients participating in this Evil Alliance of
Medical MalPractice. The DRCS will assemble medical histories for every
doctor, every clinic, every hospital depicting the number of deaths due to
reproductive and cosmetic surgeries, and this information will be distributed
to every newspaper and radio station in the country. NSA agents will pose as
patients to detect the common medical terrorist practice of unnecessary surgery.
And MSA auditors will immediately begin the process of auditing every medical
practioners’ Medicaid invoices for their fraudulent terrorist claims. We will bring
an end to the untimely deaths of millions of Americans who cry out for retribution,
and drive these medical terrorists from our shores forever!!!”
After Bush’s speech concluded, Senator Kean Jr. made a brief and unmemoriable
speech about why he should be re-elected, and Kean Sr. read passages from his
book, but by then most of the supporters had dribbled away in the cold downpour,
and the media cameras had packed up and gone home to NYC and WADC.
Secretaries Chertoff and Rumsfeld could not be reached for comment. Their staff
said they were too busy speaking with their brokers about pharmaceutical stocks
and new office leased space.
Fidel Castro made an urgent appeal on Cuban radio to President Bush, offering
the services of some 10,000 Cuban medical doctors. Cuba has a much higher
level of medical care than the United States, and has much lower mortality rates.
Posted by: Harley Freeburn | Aug 13 2006 16:42 utc | 31
|