G-d To Call Up 3,000 Irregulars
by Peristroika Shalom
API – St Louis
24 July, 2006
So there I was, squatting on the pot, trying
to take a “D”-word after a 60-hour week spent
computer programming what little is left of
our fading American Dream, when a refracting
ray of golden-green light from the setting
sun glinted across my retina, and suddenly
there I was, in the presence of G-d himself!
Wi-fi and Broadband, and He knew it too.
Hey, The Big Guy is omniscient, remember?!
“What the “H”-word are you doing listening
in on My conversation,” G-d thundered.
“I was just trying to take an “S”-word!”
“Well, “S”-word, or get off the pot!” he swore.
“Great!” I lamented, “Now you’ve made me
self-conscious. I could be here for hours!”
“Oh, “J”-word, “H”-word, “F”-word, “C”-word,”
G-d strung the coarse epithets together like
hot bronze pearls before a stuttering swine.
A tiny voice hovering somewhere above the
bathroom towel rod protested, and G-d swore
again. “Oh, all right,” He cursed. “M”-word,
“F”-word, “G”-word … are you “F”-word happy?!”
I tried to speak, but it came out a frog croak.
“Excuse me,” I whimpered, “I didn’t mean to
eavesdrop, but now I can’t stop hearing You!”
“Oh, that’s just “F”-ing Great!” His Loveness
roared, “The Peanut Gallery!” “Listen,” He
mellowed, “What would it take for you to get
off the pot, and leave me in Peace?”
I thought for a moment, and then smiled, but
before I could speak the words, of course,
He already knew what they were.
“OK, OK, you little “M”-word, “F”-word, I’ll
give you three questions, and make ’em quick!”
I blurted out, “What are You doing right NOW?”
“I’m calling up 3,000 irregulars to take care
of this “F”-word “J”-word cluster “F”-word,”
He stormed, shaking our tiny bathroom walls.
“You mean, Angels?” I quivered.
“Is that your second question?” He laughed,
then relented. “We’ve got a huge surplus of
Angels up here, with all your war and killing.
Usually, I let them Go into the Light without
Time served, but now We need them here on Duty.”
“Like, escorts for the newly Dead in Lebanon?”
I thought that was pretty perceptive of me,
but He just snorted.
“You idiot,” He sighed. “A million people on
earth die every year of neglect and starvation.
What the “H”-word do I need irregulars for,
for a few thousand “F”-wording Lebanese Muslim
souls, who are all going to Heaven anyway?”
I shrugged and turned my thumbs outward. I knew
He knew what I was thinking.
“OK, next question, and make it fast,” He belched.
The room filled with sulfur, or maybe that was me.
“OK, what about the future of the Middle East and
Israel?” I sat back on the pot, proud of myself.
The toilet flushed spontaneously, splashing my
hanging nate’s with ice-cold G-d-stank water.
“What Future?” He paused, then laughed. “OK, sorry,
I had to pull your thumb. Go ask your Great Satan.
Ever since you Ass-clowns outsourced Vengeance to
Great Satan, Inc, and elected Samuel Colt as your
CEO, I don’t have anything to do with Retribution.”
“Nothing!?” I blurted out, dumbfounded.
“I’ll ignore that as a question,” He continued.
“Who the “H”-word do you think has been killing
everyone, since you “F”-word wads threw Me out
of the pestilence and plague of locusts business?
The Orkin Man?”
I chuckled at G-d’s quick Wit, but He invented it.
“You mean the Great Satan lives on Earth, and walks
around doing Your Retribution, outsourced, on-call!?”
I shook my head in disbelief. But the sun was setting,
and the golden glint in my retina was starting to fade.
“Sorr—y, zcccrrkkkkzzzt, no time ,.., zzcccrrrtkkt
for another ,.,, zcxzccccczt … questio,……….”
He sounded a million light years away. “Later……”
Then for a second He flared back into the room in
full holography. “And don’t worry,” His nostrils
flared and His beard shook. “Those “F”-word’ing
“J”-word’s are going to get their Retribution!”
Then there I was, sitting alone in our bathroom,
holding my “D”-word, listening to the water swirl.
My spouse looked surprised to hear me whistling Dixie,
when I wandered back into our country kitchen.
“You look pleased with yourself,” she smiled.
“Is that your first question?” I chided her, and
then drifted out into our Garden, laughing.
The Apples of are almost Ripe Now.

Posted by: peristroika shalom | Jul 22 2006 5:25 utc | 4

82 coffins:

It took until the afternoon for all 82 coffins to be loaded onto two Lebanese Army trucks. The trucks pulled into a trench gouged by a tractor, and the men began unloading the coffins, placing them side by side, grouped by family name.
“If you speak the truth here you are called a traitor,” Mr. Abdullah said. “But we all know that this is a war between Iran and America. I am paying part of the price for it.” Then he suddenly grew pensive as he stood at the edge of the trench.
“That’s my daughter, No. 9,” he said, pointing at a coffin coming out of the truck as. “It’s a nice number, don’t you think? And No. 7, it’s a nice number, too. It’s my wife. And there’s No. 10. I hope they will be lucky.”

Posted by: b | Jul 22 2006 12:47 utc | 6

The Angry Arab thinks Israel will not invade in Lebanon.
I was wondering if they would myself, because what reserves they have called up, at least what they say they did, seems to be less than 10,000. Together with standing troops available that would be some 30,000+ for an invasion. In a guerillia war you need some 10:1 ratio to be able to win. But there are more than just 3,000 pissed of Shia in Lebanon so 30,000+ for an invasion does not make much sense.
Now comes a bit of confiramtion

But senior Israeli military commanders said they had little appetite for a ground invasion like the one they waged in Lebanon in 1982 and would probably continue relying on the air campaign in the short term to avoid the entrapments and casualties they believe are lurking in Hezbollah territory.

So they are waiting for the “International troops” Rice is calling for. Do not expect any to come. Why should anybody do the dirty work the Israeli will induce to be done?
Some were speculating about German troops. If Merkel has a bit of brain left outside Georges ass, she will say no. Any “robust” force on that line will be in a meatgrinder.

Posted by: b | Jul 22 2006 13:09 utc | 8

I didn’t see this interview of Bashar al Assad from 29 June posted on MoA, perhaps I missed it.
From Syria Comment, July 10, 2006.
Excerpt:
Al-Hayat: If we return to the topic of Syrian-American relations, Washington says that it doesn’t want to change the regime in Syria, but wants a change in behavior; in your opinion, where is the problem? Is it Iraq, or Lebanon, relations with Hamas or Islamic Jihad? Where is the problem?
President al-Assad: I prefer to discuss a fact, and not an opinion. An opinion might involve analysis, but a there actual things being asked of Syria. First, we were asked to participate in the Iraq war, and we refused. Then, we were asked to disarm the Palestinians in Lebanon and Hizbullah, especially during the period between the issuing of UN Security Council Resolution 1559 and the assassination of former Prime Minister Rafik Hariri. This phase involved bargaining, so that Syria could remain in Lebanon, but it would have to do this and that.
Al-Hayat: Who requested this? The Americans?
President al-Assad: The Americans, of course. (UN Envoy Terje-Roed) Larsen. Some Europeans, in the form of mediation, would relay American messages to us.
Al-Hayat: So that Syria could remain in Lebanon?
President al-Assad: This was the meaning of the proposal, also during a later phase. After the war, Syria was requested to promote the Road Map. Syria didn’t oppose it, but didn’t agree to it either. They wanted Syria to give them the cover, to say that the process was good, and that the proposal was good. We weren’t mistaken. At the least, in terms of Syria the proposal wasn’t good. We were asked to lay siege to Hamas, strike at Hamas, this was the change in behavior requested of Syria.
Link

Posted by: Noirette | Jul 22 2006 14:37 utc | 10

“The US is in the process of learning in Iraq that it cannot impose solutions in the Middle East by force alone. Nor can Israel,” ­Zbigniew Brzezinksi, the former US secretary of state, commented

I take it, then, that when we say “the U.S.” we are to understand by that a kind of robot that has its software base wiped and then rewritten/reloaded every 4 or 8 years. An amnesiac Colossus.
I think that approach is too generous.
Seems we, and Zbig, would be more more precise if we stopped using the conflative “U.S.”, and instead used: this Administration and its Legions. This would clarify, at least, that Zbig lies – nothing of the sort is being learnt.

Posted by: citizen | Jul 23 2006 0:03 utc | 12