(lifted from a comment in one of yesterday’s threads)
by Billmon:
Appraiser: And what do have for us today, Uncle Sam?
Uncle Sam: It’s this Constitution I picked up at a colonial garage
sale a couple of centuries ago. (He holds it up. Zoom in for a tight
shot of "We the People") It has a lot of sentimental value . . .
Appraiser: Yes, and it’s quite rare, too. But as you can see (points
to various rips, tears and smudge marks, particularly on the Bill of
Rights) it’s hardly in mint condition.
Uncle Sam: Yes, I know. It’s been through a few wars . . .
Appraiser: (chuckles) We all know how that goes. But you can
tell that some pretty important parts don’t work any more. (points to
the congressional war powers clause)
Uncle Sam: Gee, I didn’t know that was worth anything.
Appraiser: (laughs) It’s easy to forget. But tell me: What are those crayon marks at the bottom?
Uncle Sam: Well, um, that’s is, I, uh, was fooling around with the thing, and, uh . . .
Appraiser: And?
Uncle Sam: I thought it would look nice with a couple of fresh
amendments — you know, to stop the goddamn flag burners and keep the
gays from violatin’ the sanctity of holy matrimony.
Appraiser: (sighs and shakes his head) We see this all the time.
Owners often don’t understand that trying to repair a fragile antique
can do more harm than good. So do you have any idea what your
Constitution is worth?
Uncle Sam: (nervously) I, um, like to think it’s priceless. (quickly) But I’ll consider any offers!
Appraiser: (laughs good naturedly) Well, in today’s market I’m sure it would fetch a good price at auction . . .
Uncle Sam: Oh boy!
Appraiser: . . . if it were still in good condition. In fact,
I bet there are plenty of people who would gladly die for it. But as it
is, well, I’m afraid sentimental value is about all it has left.
Uncle Sam: (long face) Oh, I see . . .
(We hear the tinkly Antiques Roadshow theme, then the appraisal flashes up on the screen: U.S. Constitution, badly damaged: $0)
fade to black.